desires can be strong

So, I can't get my mind off of adopting. There are many reasons. Maybe it's just the fact that around this time every year we get ourselves pregnant;). Maybe it's that we're getting a 12 passenger van and it wouldn't be right to keep the seats empty.
But really, I have a burning desire. The funny thing about it is, the many reasons why it probably won't happen. We have 7 people in a 3 working bedroom house. It costs a lot of money. Our 5th baby disqualified us from a half dozen international countries. A birth mom would have to be crazy enough to choose a family of 7, and the biggest reason is that my husband doesn't have the same burning desire I do. Josh and I usually think the same. Occasionally we don't. This scenario is tricky for me. I never know whether to pray that Josh changes his mind (that's my favorite idea) or that God would take my desire away. I'm thinking with this one that I'll lay my heart out before God. Wait for Him to examine my motives behind this crazy desire to adopt a child. And wait for Him to do whatever He wants with the desire. Amen.

a before and after...nostalgia

with "pumpkin" in

with "pumpkin" out

journal entry 10/12/10

I bought Noah a Bible yesterday. Your Word is so clear Father. It truly brings fervor when I know it. I was reading in John yesterday about how Jesus told his disciples that he was preparing rooms for us in heaven and i had the privilege of reading on about the Holy Spirit he was sending, the Counselor. John 14:26 "But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." So many times I wonder how to dig deeper, how to gain wisdom- We were left with the Counselor in our hearts. He will "teach us and remind us". AWESOME.


On another note, I took one for the team today, in the eye. Who knows exactly how it happened but I was left with a swollen and purple eyelid (kinda compliments the green in my eye). My mother in law mentioned the velveteen rabbit . To quote the author, " The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seems underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a large succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger and by and by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For the nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made,"said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once", said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." "I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled."

I'd be honored to be the Skin Horse.

Before The Morning - Josh Wilson - Worship Video w-lyrics

I love Psalm 119. It inspires me to hunger for righteousness for the sole purpose of understanding God more. I love what I read about Him in the Word. I want to know more and more what it feels like to whisper back and forth with him. To know His heart more quickly. To see people and things the way He sees em. Ahh, Psalm 119, how dear you are to me.

I guess it's this, I don't know what to do with it. Everything in me hates seeing them have to go through this pain.

a retreating~

A prompting of the Lord to retreat with Him. Under the radar I will stay for a while, learning about Him and about me. I'm looking forward to time spent in quiet where I can learn and love the "me" that He intended.

Thank you, new friend, for your encouragement.

Keri goes to Paris

To start this August 19th, which was no ordinary day because it was the birthday of one special Keri, a group of little ladies dined in a small cafe in "Paris" Let me introduce the serveurs~

the lovely ladies at the cafeAfter dining on the french fare, the girls stopped at a magasin de fleur and a magasin de bonbons

A quick trip to the Louvre, where they posed as the Mona Lisa

Au revoir~

On righteousness and purity

It occurred to me that I've been okay with- even "cool" with the idea- that I'm not perfect and "oh well". I've been agreeable with the fact that what I struggle with is okay- in fact, it's what makes me, me and at least I'm "real".

It isn't okay. It's wrong to be okay with it. God wants to get rid of my impurity. Being "cool" with where I stay-in the muck of subtle and not-so-subtle discontentment in this season of my life is not right.

Somehow, I've allowed myself to accept this. "It's hard being a mom of 5". "I'm a woman on a roller coaster of emotions". "This is a time of life where feeling bogged down and melancholy is just the reality."

Not so. Christ died for my sinful thoughts and moods and emotions. It isn't acceptable to "ride with it". I can't live in the same sinful mindsets and behaviors day after day. His Word says that Christ's dying and rising defeated sin. Therefore, from that day, when I accepted what He did and died with Him and rose with Him, He dwells in me.

I think I view His grace wrongly sometimes (so says Romans on keeping the law after being saved by grace). I mistakenly think that He'll change me...eventually even if I'm laze-fare about it.

Desire righteousness Jamie! Desire holiness, and the process of sanctification. "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey it's evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life, and offer parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace." -Romans 6:12-14 "Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning it's shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God".

I want to oppose all sin, wrong thoughts, and behaviors that take away from the freedom and growth in my sanctification journey with the Lord.

Love this picture. I pray often that God will transform me into a mom who loves and protects always.


I desire for my children to look back and remember their mom like this.

Oh my goodness~ I'm caring for little, beautiful people.

Avocaah...do

Josh and I have a newly found fondness for the avocado.

These healthy little "alligator pears" stir an excitement in me that only other "foodies" can really understand. Texture, taste, color. They have it all. But for me, it's the smooth and creamy texture. It makes any food that much more exciting. May I suggest a few~ avocado showcasing~ recipes?

Eggs Benedict and avocado, recipe and photo by California Avocado Commission

Ingredients

~ 4 English muffins

~ 8 slices of Canadian bacon or ham, fried

~ 8 eggs poached

~ 2 avocados

~ 2 cups of hollandaise sauce

Prepare

~ toast muffins

~ cover each half with 1 ounce Canadian bacon, 1 egg, 1/4 avocado sliced.

~ top with hollandaise sauce

~ chill and serve

Chilled avocado soup cooks.com

Ingredients

~ 4 ounces sour cream

~ 2 avocados peeled, seeded and pureed

~ 6 3/4 green chilli pureed

~ 1/2 tbsp garlic powder

~ 1/2 qt lite cream

~ 1 cup heavy cream

~ 1/4 cup onion pureed

~ 1 ounce chipotle chili pepper pureed

~ 1 cup whole milk

~ salt to taste

~ pepper to taste

Chill and serve~

Guacamole Autenico, California Avocado Commission

Ingredients

~ 2 Ripe avocados

~ 1/4 tsp ground cumin

~ 1 ripe Roma tomato, seeded and diced

~ 1/4 cup minced white sweet onion

~ 1/4 cup cilantro leaves chopped

~ 1 serrano chili seeded and minced

~ 2 tbsp fresh lime juice

~ hot pepper sauce, salt and pepper to taste

Prepare

~ Cut avocado in large chunks & mash coarsely in a large bowl with a fork.

~ Add remaining ingredients and gently blend; leaving some small chunks is fine.

~ Taste and adjust pepper sauce, salt and pepper to taste.

Enjoy!

I cloud the raising of my kids with a lot of riff raff. I'm starting to "defrag". First things first, stop caring about what others think. Let's see how this goes...

top chef and integrity

Wow. I love top chef...it's actually got me thinking about integrity. I mean, who steals someone's pea puree? And wins because of it's taste??? He had to feel yucky inside.

Anyway, I was talking to my sis-in-law the other day and we are self-proclaimed exaggerators. In analyzing myself, I notice that I convey to others the feeling of what's going on rather than the p.u.r.e. truth. ex: Caleb got out of his crib 50x's!!...well, 20x's...actually around 5x's. But it felt like 50! Or, more shamefully, I can make what I'm saying more interesting by "addin' a bit of flava" to it. Do you know what I mean?

But oh how important is it to be truthful. It's right. And it's freeing. I'm better at accepting reality with poise because no matter the "reality" it is true. This "concept"...it encompasses so much of my life. From simply not lying to having a Godly perspective on what happens in my life. It lessens my desire to paint an image of myself by what I wear, what the condition of my house is, what the condition of my heart is, how I say things, how I discipline my kids...etc.

A new mantra~ "It is what it is". Not that I don't need to shed off the parts of me that aren't Christ-like, just that I don't have to pretend about the things that aren't~

Be true.

Happy birthday to a new baby I can't wait to meet. Good job friend, I'm proud of you~

confessions of a hipster

exactly.

leeland carried to the table

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and

my cup;

you have made my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in

pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance."

"you will fill me with joy in your presence"~

~David in Psalms

The YuckEEEEs

Expectations

Envy

Empty Endeavors

Entitlement

Restless, agitated, frustrated, angry, sad, abandoned...miserable. This is the peak of my days, weeks, months when I take my eyes off of the Truth. So insidiously come the lies I whisper to myself, first occasionally then all the time.

The driving force(s) in the unveiling of my soul are my children (at this time). And you may think I say this with pride and adoration of them and the "self-sacrificing" to be "that Godly soft-spoken mom". Well, I'm not. I'm saying it (in tears many times), with raw emotion and a clear picture of the pain that this brings.

It really is just. simply. selfish. I find myself going from idol to idol (and lately it isn't even being a good mom). Is my home beautiful like the people I admire? Am I "dang sexy" (not for "having 5 kids" but for just being "dang sexy") Does my family look like that unique and edgy family? Why does my car have to scream "home school mom who can't drive" (white van, huge scratch)? Why do my boys want 'fo'hawks...in public? It makes bad behavior look much worse. Why can't I pull off an awesome etsy store like the millions of creative people who do? Why did my vegetable garden do so hideously? Why am I not diligent like the girls I envy with thriving veggie gardens? AND WHY DO MY KIDS MAKE IT ALL SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE?????

What a gift I've been given. I have a hard time answering the nagging question people ask (even if they ask it with a look), why would you choose this? I'll answer you this way. Not everything we do is easy. I'm sure you're doing something that's hard. Usually we don't choose hard things for the sake of "hard things". We see the ending. We work out and if we're doing it right, it hurts. We pursue careers that are grueling to get to an end. We train for marathons. We callous our fingers for the perfect guitar strum.

May I suggest that this particular choice of mine (and ultimately the Lord's) brings the best reward? It brings (through the growing pains) a stare in the face at my true self, and a need to either trust in the Lord and His Word that says He will live through me or check into an asylum.

So many times this week I could hear myself utter, under my breath and then aloud, "I get no time!", "I'm only one person and 5 kids are demanding of me!", "This is wrong", "I need to get away!" "Of course this would be broken and that would be written on!" blah blah blah blah. But I'm not entitled to that way of thinking. God who began a good work in me will finish it until the day of completion. His good work in me is to conform me to Christ's image. It is terribly insidious how we start to think that we need "mommy time" and self-fulfillment. I need to be aware of when God gives me precious time with Him. I'm not sure when and what that time should look like right now, but I know it could be in place of my etsy perusing and my homeaway investigating...possibly even my facebook time (but who wants to mess with a thing that causes the most questioning of myself, judgemental spirit, and envy)? Perhaps going to bed before my beloved TV shows start? I'm not saying that I should stop watching Top Chef, just that I do make times for things I want. Anyway, where is it biblical to need to preen yourself and have "me time"? It isn't about me. I don't need to get up my mental edge with a soak in the ol' tub (though it is a luxury that is wonderful). I don't need to pull myself up by my bootstraps either. It's not I but Christ who lives in me. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

My children aren't in an easy phase of parenting (if there's such a thing). I found myself resenting them. God, in changing my heart from feeling entitled and holding on to my expectations of well, everything, gave me a renewed love for each of the 5. These last days haven't been "interrupted" by a blob of 5 tossing like a whirling cloud. Each has a face and a personality. And I have a hope for each. I advocate for them.

And thank you Josh for sticking by me when I've been so ugly. My marriage shows me grace. It also is a quick way of learning to be honest with who I am and what I'm struggling with.

God in His Word and through His Holy Spirit is teaching me to have faith that He'll show me what it really looks like to live in The Spirit. He's making it easier (with a bit of His perspective) to stop in the middle of something I'm enjoying to cuddle Cambrie, get someone a drink, assist in the lavatory. And, I like it...mostly.

Oh the growing pains, but what a hope I have.

Culinary explorations~

Wasabi and White Chocolate Kit Kat bar

I'm going to hunt one down for myself and I'll give word about it's taste when I do!

Proud to be an American..I really am thankful for this.

This is last year, when Cambrie was still camping out in my belly~

Wii Miis

I mean, really. I didn't know there was a Wii Mii out there that I could fall head-over-heels for...

Sand, sea and surf...Enjoy the beach~

Sitting in the sun rays with my feet in the sand, waves that invite me to stare at them or just listen to 'em...the sea gull's call and the voices you can hear, but not make out what they're saying. Something there...so many somethings there bring me serenity. It's where I think the best. I contemplate my life, I write books in my head (The title of this year's book, "This Mom's Growing Pains"), I people-watch, I sit back and concentrate on the feeling when the sun wraps around my body. I could live on the shore. Forever. It's just nice that I was there for the week. A holiday at sea.

My Dad...perfect for me, from God.

The gift God gave our children. This Dad.