The YuckEEEEs

Expectations

Envy

Empty Endeavors

Entitlement

Restless, agitated, frustrated, angry, sad, abandoned...miserable. This is the peak of my days, weeks, months when I take my eyes off of the Truth. So insidiously come the lies I whisper to myself, first occasionally then all the time.

The driving force(s) in the unveiling of my soul are my children (at this time). And you may think I say this with pride and adoration of them and the "self-sacrificing" to be "that Godly soft-spoken mom". Well, I'm not. I'm saying it (in tears many times), with raw emotion and a clear picture of the pain that this brings.

It really is just. simply. selfish. I find myself going from idol to idol (and lately it isn't even being a good mom). Is my home beautiful like the people I admire? Am I "dang sexy" (not for "having 5 kids" but for just being "dang sexy") Does my family look like that unique and edgy family? Why does my car have to scream "home school mom who can't drive" (white van, huge scratch)? Why do my boys want 'fo'hawks...in public? It makes bad behavior look much worse. Why can't I pull off an awesome etsy store like the millions of creative people who do? Why did my vegetable garden do so hideously? Why am I not diligent like the girls I envy with thriving veggie gardens? AND WHY DO MY KIDS MAKE IT ALL SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE?????

What a gift I've been given. I have a hard time answering the nagging question people ask (even if they ask it with a look), why would you choose this? I'll answer you this way. Not everything we do is easy. I'm sure you're doing something that's hard. Usually we don't choose hard things for the sake of "hard things". We see the ending. We work out and if we're doing it right, it hurts. We pursue careers that are grueling to get to an end. We train for marathons. We callous our fingers for the perfect guitar strum.

May I suggest that this particular choice of mine (and ultimately the Lord's) brings the best reward? It brings (through the growing pains) a stare in the face at my true self, and a need to either trust in the Lord and His Word that says He will live through me or check into an asylum.

So many times this week I could hear myself utter, under my breath and then aloud, "I get no time!", "I'm only one person and 5 kids are demanding of me!", "This is wrong", "I need to get away!" "Of course this would be broken and that would be written on!" blah blah blah blah. But I'm not entitled to that way of thinking. God who began a good work in me will finish it until the day of completion. His good work in me is to conform me to Christ's image. It is terribly insidious how we start to think that we need "mommy time" and self-fulfillment. I need to be aware of when God gives me precious time with Him. I'm not sure when and what that time should look like right now, but I know it could be in place of my etsy perusing and my homeaway investigating...possibly even my facebook time (but who wants to mess with a thing that causes the most questioning of myself, judgemental spirit, and envy)? Perhaps going to bed before my beloved TV shows start? I'm not saying that I should stop watching Top Chef, just that I do make times for things I want. Anyway, where is it biblical to need to preen yourself and have "me time"? It isn't about me. I don't need to get up my mental edge with a soak in the ol' tub (though it is a luxury that is wonderful). I don't need to pull myself up by my bootstraps either. It's not I but Christ who lives in me. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

My children aren't in an easy phase of parenting (if there's such a thing). I found myself resenting them. God, in changing my heart from feeling entitled and holding on to my expectations of well, everything, gave me a renewed love for each of the 5. These last days haven't been "interrupted" by a blob of 5 tossing like a whirling cloud. Each has a face and a personality. And I have a hope for each. I advocate for them.

And thank you Josh for sticking by me when I've been so ugly. My marriage shows me grace. It also is a quick way of learning to be honest with who I am and what I'm struggling with.

God in His Word and through His Holy Spirit is teaching me to have faith that He'll show me what it really looks like to live in The Spirit. He's making it easier (with a bit of His perspective) to stop in the middle of something I'm enjoying to cuddle Cambrie, get someone a drink, assist in the lavatory. And, I like it...mostly.

Oh the growing pains, but what a hope I have.