A blurb from a journal entry: 19 December 20

  "December is messy and muddied and weeping," I saw written on Facebook. For sure. Oh my weary heart. 
How can it handle so.much.ache? Ache not for my own self but so many around me. It makes it confusing 
because I'm kind of...almost, guilty. Why them and not me? 

And then every day here seems trivial and yet it isn't. I've been entrusted with 6 little people. Trying to teach my children to love and grow in the Lord's ways, while having growing pains of my own seems impossible.  Seemingly yes, when I think of it practically...well, humanly.

 Father, would you strip away anything that takes away from the true purpose of why I'm here? Can you give me the desire to know you? My talk about you is cheap unless it is real to me. 

 Would you take care of my babes? Sustain them but mainly woo them to yourself. Protect their little spirits.  When they see you transforming me, they'll see you. They'll know you're real. They'll know your love.  

 When I hit a hard patch, when I'm stubborn toward you and in turn unloving to them, would you guard their hearts? I can ask this in confidence, because you've taught us Grace. Therefore, I don't have to be perfect in order for you to do what you promise.  You've made it that while I fall short, my children can know your love and grace inspite of me...in fact, they can, in turn, be gracious toward me (their imperfect mom).

 Comfort me in these days Lord. 

 Show me your kindness.

As parents mourn their little ones this Christmas, give us all HOPE in things better to come.

Give special care (I know you do) to the people who are walking in the shadows...

Be close to the brokenhearted.

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage, yes wait for the Lord." Psalms

As for me Father, I boldly ask for you to woo me.  Be special to me. While I get to know you better and better, let your Holy Spirit love my family. Let the richness of our relationship cover this home.  

What more could this girl ask for? 

Love, 

Me. 

Ebenezers and such

The Lord has been weaving together His Word, His whispers, and His grace to bring hope to my weary soul.

For quite some time I was lacking zeal. There was little joy, and even more disheartening, the sound of silence. It wasn't from a lack of pleading with Him, not from a lack of guilt, not even a lack of "time with Him". I have verses scribbled all over chalkboards in my house. I talk to the children in ways that say we have a deep calling...
And still it's been misery. Me with my kids, me with my husband, me with...well, me.
I remember this happening before, this slough of despond. And I remember it lasting a long time. But then God revealed himself to me in the most precious way. And now He did it again. Yet another ebenezer to hold (I'll explain that in a little).
One morning I heard "the whisper" to sit and be with Him. So I listened. I grabbed my Bible and skeptically sat to read. Before I opened it I asked, "can this mean something today"?

I'd been reading in John 17 because it's my favorite, but I felt like opening to the psalms. I just started somewhere in the 40th chapter. I read along with David and his plight, due to his sin. But, of coarse, I was just an observer to David's reconciliation with the Lord, because "my stubbornness towards God was hormone-related and that is out of my control". As I read and read, the Holy Spirit talked sternly to me through the Words on the pages. At one point, my eyes were so opened to my sins and the heart attitude behind them that I found it hard to breath. All through these verses were disciplines from God toward David for his sins and toward the Israelites because of there sins. I couldn't help but think I should get it for my transgressions. I realized that I'm prone to live in the grace of God so much, that I don't consider the sin at all anymore. I felt, for a moment, that I should stay in the mire...seeing them, reflecting on them, paying homage to them..like the Israelites. After all, when they kept receiving grace from God and remained rebellious and ungrateful, they suffered.
But then, a little verse in psalms glowed on the page. I don't remember it exactly, but it reminded me that the Israelites lived before Christ came. Oh yes, it was a verse talking about when God lead them in the form of a cloud by day and a fire by night. I knew immediately that we have it so much better.
At that, I felt a nudge toward the book of Hebrews where it talks of Jesus being holy and our high priest and better still, sympathetic towards our weaknesses.
I had just received a hug from heaven. The icky aura that surrounded me for days, vaporized.
He spoke to me and loved me for that precious 40 minutes or so.
These special times with God are etched on my heart. They're unforgettable.

I mentioned ebenezer before. An ebenezer is a stone of hope. Back when the Israelites weren't listening to God, they asked Samuel to pray to God that He would spare them during a battle against another nation. God answered Samuel's prayer and they won. After the battle, Samuel put a stone between the places they fought and won and called it ebenezer, stone of hope to remember what God had done.
If there ever comes a time to share my hope with the "precious persons" that I think of so often, I won't utter cold blank words to them. I won't offer anecdotes. I'll just have my little bag of ebenezers. Each one can do nothing less than bring a warm glow that entices any person. I have a reason for my hope. I've been hugged by God, just recently too. And He's made His word come alive and my heart plays beautiful, peaceful songs when I stay there.
He gives the answers to our heart's hard questions. He gives us comfort when we suffer...hope that comes with the reasons that we have to go through pain. They aren't always obvious and I'm starting to understand why. Our relationship's very fiber with Him is faith. He needs us to relinquish and let go. How devastating if we elevate comfort or happiness or any other gifts He gives us above "He alone". He is where we are satisfied.
He's understanding. He's long-suffering. He's totally devoted to developing our relationship. He invites us, by having had the Godhead torn apart for a moment, into His very sanctuary. He paces us on our journey. He slows down or speeds up according to our need...not according to us though, but how He sees fit. He's clever. His word is so detailed and simple all at the same time. He's woven it so that when you read, you see His intellect and humor at the same time.
None of this can be taken away from me. It's etched in my heart.
I can do nothing but be thankful. So thankful.

Keeping the main thing the main thing

Driving to the shore today, I was flipping the stations and heard the familiar voice of "my man" alistair begg. I decided to listen without hesitation. Who wouldn't stop and listen to a man talk about the Lord...with a scottish accent?

Anyway, God spoke to my heart gently through his words.

I've come to the simple conclusion that the greatest thing I can do is to spend time with the Lord. Praying, reading His Word, learning about Him and finding complete joy in Him.

"Be still, know that I am God." "Learn about me and obey me." "Find joy in me, love my truths." "In turn you will love the life that I've given you." "You'll love your husband." "You'll love your littles". "You'll love others". "You'll love the things I've put on you're heart to enjoy." "You'll learn to let go of the desires that I don't allow." "Allow me to always be changing you".

A daydream come true on mother's day.

On this mother's day evening i'm sitting here remembering the day. It was gorgeous weather. I started out with a jog after I fed the little lady her "breakfast". Everything was green and soft. The flowers smelled lovely and all was quiet. The perfect combo for contemplating.  I was so excited for mother's day. It's a good excuse to stop and enjoy people you love. Everyone does. Street vendors sell flowers, there are special brunch menus, commercials are dedicated to selling pretty little things... Just because it was mother's day made me feel extra-maternal. I secretly hoped, while on the jog, that the kids would know, in their hearts, it was a special day and they would just be good;)  My # 4 (who is 4) has needed some "extra care" lately.  And as soon as I got in the door from my run full of day dreams and  "all is right with the world" sentiments, the bubble was burst with the whines of a discontented boy. And this is where God was gracious to me.  This mother's day was special. Because not flowers nor jewelry nor chocolates were necessary. I felt a special gift from God today. My momhood. I'm being refined by this process. That sentiment helped me to discipline my boy in love...which looked like sitting on a chair until the melt down stopped, sitting on the chair until the meltdown stopped, and more sitting on the chair until the meltdown stopped. I saw a vision for my boy. My disciplining him into being a God's man touched a cord that no flowers could've.   I have a lot of children. It's easy to fear that some will go astray, and worse still because of me.  I've come to a place of peace on this matter. I tell them the truth. I tell them that this world will hurt.  I tell them that this is to be expected. I tell them that there is better and we're not home yet. I remind them of God's promises and kindness...that we get things we don't deserve and we enjoy because He gives. I tell them that I'm a human...who yells too much, is forgetful sometimes, who can't meet their needs as much as I want to. But I love them. I'm helping them in their journey as I'm on the journey.   This is all a part of life and aren't we glad it's phases, both good and bad, are all helping us see something greater? What more can I give?  This mothers day was beautiful. 

The one we haven't met

Was due on dec 30, 2012.    We had a suspicion that we were...but then, no way. How could it be? It just wasn't possible. So we waited. April 20th came and we knew. We were.  A faint line on the pregnancy stick. With the positive stick, initially, came shock, fear, shame.  How could we be so careless? People warned us that this could happen. How are we ever going to make it through another pregnancy? I don't want to do this again... We prayed. We chose to be thankful. So it was "careless-looking", "untimely-looking", "thoughtless-looking."  But not to us.  We saw past it. We saw that God gave us another gift. With that, we began full on the prepping for the hard next few months with the new little one's first trimester. We had heart to hearts with each other, we meal-planned, joined Costco, bought a freezer, prepared our other children's hearts with words and deeds... We let ourselves love this new one coming.  We started thinking of names and I was quite sure it was a girl.  We grew as a family.  I was taught to overcome fear of people's reactions and the nagging of my own heart's rebukes to the timing of all of this. I loved this child. Then there was pain.  I stayed up two nights, my heart was at peace but my body wasn't.  It was tense and scared. My heart raced.  I prayed those nights.  Within the next few days it was true. I miscarried.  What a cruel thing a miscarriage is.  It hurts your heart and your body at the same time.  My mind can't wrap itself around it yet.  I had this little one's due date stamped on my heart. I was taking prenatals and avoiding aspirin. I was walking around with that joy down inside when you know that there's a "secret" growing in you.  And then it ended. Abruptly.  I'm seeing my humanity. It hurts. Badly. I can't just be ok. My mind and heart were traveling down a road and that road doesn't exist anymore. I'm lost.  I know I'll be able to find the new road soon, but it isn't as simple and backing up. I can't back up. What is etched in my heart is there.  It left me confused. Was I ever pregnant? Is there going to be our 7th little child in heaven when I get there?  It left me discontented. What could have been? I wanted to be the mother of 7 kids. What a cool thing God could have done with a surprise baby just 10 mths younger than Chloe. It left me feeling like i am greedy. Who am I to be sad when I am constantly told in the grocery store that I have so many?...too many! But you see ma'am, this wasn't "too many" to me, this was my child growing inside me. I feel duped. And yet, I know I wasn't.  I've taken these raw feelings to the Lord. I've remembered the promises and the truths from His Word. I'm able to only hear Him and not the outside world. I'm not ashamed that we got pregnant. I'm ok that I'm confused and not sure about this whole pregnancy. I'll keep hope that there's a little davidson in heaven. I won't force my brain to figure it all out. I'll let myself cry for the pain and emptiness i feel. I'll let myself miss what could have been (knowing that it really couldn't have). I'll move on. God let's the human heart move on.  I'm so thankful for my other ones too. This has reminded me that life is fragile, that my children are not my own.  Am I willing to give them over to Him? Maybe not as easily as I thought, actually. These last few weeks have rocked my world and they've been confusing and painful and joyful and real.  And they've done what God so graciously wants for His children.  My heart and mind are His. So, if I may, thank you my little one. I only know that He knew you before you were in my belly. And He used you in our lives for the few short weeks we had with you in our hearts. Love you, mom

Reading a prayer

The precious prayer of Jesus to God.

He let us see it, hear it, know it.

The God of the universe in communion with the Father.

The Son shows His concern for us in this prayer.

"I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one- I in them and you in me-"

The Son shows His Deity:

"and now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began."

They show their fulfilled plan...that Jesus came to do what needed to be done. The agony of our sin on Him. And worst of all the separation of the Trinity. The deep and gut-wrenching tearing of the Son from the Father. One suffering physically and both emotionally to finish it...the plan. The holy one, pure and blameless conquering death through His obedience.

Why? For us to be apart of them. ..

"so that they may be brought to complete unity".

John 17.

Belly buttons

A few weeks back my 4th born and I were talking about belly buttons. What are they? Why do we have them? I explained that they come in all different shapes and sizes...innies, outies, big and little, some pristine and some with lint...that his fed him when he was in my belly. And that was that. We were off to the next thing, maybe thomas toys for him and keeping house for me.
Then, I had a baby again. Maybe because labor was easy or maybe because I've learned to soak it all in, but I remember the cord, the attachment of my baby to her life source.
And for a couple weeks I was reminded of it every time I saw the dark little cord dangling from her belly. I remember when it fell of, I joked that I was sad because it made her not new, newborn anymore.
But she still has the button. And I love it. I have 6 little belly buttons all serving as a reminder that I was linked to and the life-giver to 6 beautiful people.
Though the pregnancies daunting, the symbolism of their belly buttons is beautiful. They're linked to me. A permanent mark that someone...me, supported their life for 9 months. They were nourished because of our attachment.
I think about when they're grown up, dads and moms themselves. They will still go on carrying the mark that we are connected. I'm their mom. They are my children.
A permanent marking of a sacred bond between me and my 6. The belly button.

Truly accepted

There's been "lots to do" lately about acceptance in church...God's acceptance(come as you are). And truly, God meets us where we are. All have a different and personal account of when He did.

But then, He gives us a broken and contrite heart, ready to die to our own self and desires and become enveloped in Christ. It's a sad day when acceptance is defined by an earthly definition.

It would be so lack luster to think that we can meet with the holy God of the universe, pure and blameless while accepting our sinful desires and attitudes. Why have so many people, well-meaning people, fallen prey to this lie? The lie that reverses the truth of how it is. We were graciously given the opportunity to enter God's presence. To become adopted into His plan and His ways. It was a great price for God. His Three-in-one was broken on calvary for our sin. It's backwards now. The message that I'm hearing is that God is okay with us in our depravity. We need not worry about our inadequacies because they're what make us precious to Him. It couldn't be anymore tainted.

Our inadequacies separate us from Him. Christ, who is sinless, came down and became like us, sympathizing in our weaknesses, and died. When He raised from the dead he conquered sin and only then could we be restored to Him.

What makes us precious to God is looking down and seeing a child, once dead in sin, raised anew and hidden in His pure Son. This is where He starts us. He kind of starts us at the end. We're marked with the seal of the Holy Spirit and are now identified as one of His.

And then starts the repentance and sanctification. This is where your relationship with God deepens. It's glorious, and special, and awesome, and intimate and painful and hard and tears are shed by you and the Father (I'm sure). Oh, the sadness that is in my heart to see this "acceptance" lie ruining the real thing...

This is all from the Bible. Do we read our Bible? The story from the Old Testament to the New is the same. The epistles of Paul and the gospels are all in accord. So how can we miss it if we're reading it?

Jesus all through the gospels and then Paul carried it on, making it very clear that we must die ourselves and Jesus live through us. It's what rebirth is. There shouldn't be a hint of ourself left over in the end.

Don't worry, God doesn't lose the person He made you to be. He's given us all different feelings, concerns, looks, personalities...And I'm so sure these are being enhanced. But, we are so prideful and ignorant to think that in order for God to be fair, He needs to gaze upon our filth and be ok with it.

I know this is a strong bit of words, but the choice is to embrace the truth that God's given in His Word or not. You can't have a foot in one and a foot in the other. And for the passionate out there...would you want it any other way?