The one we haven't met

Was due on dec 30, 2012.    We had a suspicion that we were...but then, no way. How could it be? It just wasn't possible. So we waited. April 20th came and we knew. We were.  A faint line on the pregnancy stick. With the positive stick, initially, came shock, fear, shame.  How could we be so careless? People warned us that this could happen. How are we ever going to make it through another pregnancy? I don't want to do this again... We prayed. We chose to be thankful. So it was "careless-looking", "untimely-looking", "thoughtless-looking."  But not to us.  We saw past it. We saw that God gave us another gift. With that, we began full on the prepping for the hard next few months with the new little one's first trimester. We had heart to hearts with each other, we meal-planned, joined Costco, bought a freezer, prepared our other children's hearts with words and deeds... We let ourselves love this new one coming.  We started thinking of names and I was quite sure it was a girl.  We grew as a family.  I was taught to overcome fear of people's reactions and the nagging of my own heart's rebukes to the timing of all of this. I loved this child. Then there was pain.  I stayed up two nights, my heart was at peace but my body wasn't.  It was tense and scared. My heart raced.  I prayed those nights.  Within the next few days it was true. I miscarried.  What a cruel thing a miscarriage is.  It hurts your heart and your body at the same time.  My mind can't wrap itself around it yet.  I had this little one's due date stamped on my heart. I was taking prenatals and avoiding aspirin. I was walking around with that joy down inside when you know that there's a "secret" growing in you.  And then it ended. Abruptly.  I'm seeing my humanity. It hurts. Badly. I can't just be ok. My mind and heart were traveling down a road and that road doesn't exist anymore. I'm lost.  I know I'll be able to find the new road soon, but it isn't as simple and backing up. I can't back up. What is etched in my heart is there.  It left me confused. Was I ever pregnant? Is there going to be our 7th little child in heaven when I get there?  It left me discontented. What could have been? I wanted to be the mother of 7 kids. What a cool thing God could have done with a surprise baby just 10 mths younger than Chloe. It left me feeling like i am greedy. Who am I to be sad when I am constantly told in the grocery store that I have so many?...too many! But you see ma'am, this wasn't "too many" to me, this was my child growing inside me. I feel duped. And yet, I know I wasn't.  I've taken these raw feelings to the Lord. I've remembered the promises and the truths from His Word. I'm able to only hear Him and not the outside world. I'm not ashamed that we got pregnant. I'm ok that I'm confused and not sure about this whole pregnancy. I'll keep hope that there's a little davidson in heaven. I won't force my brain to figure it all out. I'll let myself cry for the pain and emptiness i feel. I'll let myself miss what could have been (knowing that it really couldn't have). I'll move on. God let's the human heart move on.  I'm so thankful for my other ones too. This has reminded me that life is fragile, that my children are not my own.  Am I willing to give them over to Him? Maybe not as easily as I thought, actually. These last few weeks have rocked my world and they've been confusing and painful and joyful and real.  And they've done what God so graciously wants for His children.  My heart and mind are His. So, if I may, thank you my little one. I only know that He knew you before you were in my belly. And He used you in our lives for the few short weeks we had with you in our hearts. Love you, mom