A daydream come true on mother's day.

On this mother's day evening i'm sitting here remembering the day. It was gorgeous weather. I started out with a jog after I fed the little lady her "breakfast". Everything was green and soft. The flowers smelled lovely and all was quiet. The perfect combo for contemplating.  I was so excited for mother's day. It's a good excuse to stop and enjoy people you love. Everyone does. Street vendors sell flowers, there are special brunch menus, commercials are dedicated to selling pretty little things... Just because it was mother's day made me feel extra-maternal. I secretly hoped, while on the jog, that the kids would know, in their hearts, it was a special day and they would just be good;)  My # 4 (who is 4) has needed some "extra care" lately.  And as soon as I got in the door from my run full of day dreams and  "all is right with the world" sentiments, the bubble was burst with the whines of a discontented boy. And this is where God was gracious to me.  This mother's day was special. Because not flowers nor jewelry nor chocolates were necessary. I felt a special gift from God today. My momhood. I'm being refined by this process. That sentiment helped me to discipline my boy in love...which looked like sitting on a chair until the melt down stopped, sitting on the chair until the meltdown stopped, and more sitting on the chair until the meltdown stopped. I saw a vision for my boy. My disciplining him into being a God's man touched a cord that no flowers could've.   I have a lot of children. It's easy to fear that some will go astray, and worse still because of me.  I've come to a place of peace on this matter. I tell them the truth. I tell them that this world will hurt.  I tell them that this is to be expected. I tell them that there is better and we're not home yet. I remind them of God's promises and kindness...that we get things we don't deserve and we enjoy because He gives. I tell them that I'm a human...who yells too much, is forgetful sometimes, who can't meet their needs as much as I want to. But I love them. I'm helping them in their journey as I'm on the journey.   This is all a part of life and aren't we glad it's phases, both good and bad, are all helping us see something greater? What more can I give?  This mothers day was beautiful. 

The one we haven't met

Was due on dec 30, 2012.    We had a suspicion that we were...but then, no way. How could it be? It just wasn't possible. So we waited. April 20th came and we knew. We were.  A faint line on the pregnancy stick. With the positive stick, initially, came shock, fear, shame.  How could we be so careless? People warned us that this could happen. How are we ever going to make it through another pregnancy? I don't want to do this again... We prayed. We chose to be thankful. So it was "careless-looking", "untimely-looking", "thoughtless-looking."  But not to us.  We saw past it. We saw that God gave us another gift. With that, we began full on the prepping for the hard next few months with the new little one's first trimester. We had heart to hearts with each other, we meal-planned, joined Costco, bought a freezer, prepared our other children's hearts with words and deeds... We let ourselves love this new one coming.  We started thinking of names and I was quite sure it was a girl.  We grew as a family.  I was taught to overcome fear of people's reactions and the nagging of my own heart's rebukes to the timing of all of this. I loved this child. Then there was pain.  I stayed up two nights, my heart was at peace but my body wasn't.  It was tense and scared. My heart raced.  I prayed those nights.  Within the next few days it was true. I miscarried.  What a cruel thing a miscarriage is.  It hurts your heart and your body at the same time.  My mind can't wrap itself around it yet.  I had this little one's due date stamped on my heart. I was taking prenatals and avoiding aspirin. I was walking around with that joy down inside when you know that there's a "secret" growing in you.  And then it ended. Abruptly.  I'm seeing my humanity. It hurts. Badly. I can't just be ok. My mind and heart were traveling down a road and that road doesn't exist anymore. I'm lost.  I know I'll be able to find the new road soon, but it isn't as simple and backing up. I can't back up. What is etched in my heart is there.  It left me confused. Was I ever pregnant? Is there going to be our 7th little child in heaven when I get there?  It left me discontented. What could have been? I wanted to be the mother of 7 kids. What a cool thing God could have done with a surprise baby just 10 mths younger than Chloe. It left me feeling like i am greedy. Who am I to be sad when I am constantly told in the grocery store that I have so many?...too many! But you see ma'am, this wasn't "too many" to me, this was my child growing inside me. I feel duped. And yet, I know I wasn't.  I've taken these raw feelings to the Lord. I've remembered the promises and the truths from His Word. I'm able to only hear Him and not the outside world. I'm not ashamed that we got pregnant. I'm ok that I'm confused and not sure about this whole pregnancy. I'll keep hope that there's a little davidson in heaven. I won't force my brain to figure it all out. I'll let myself cry for the pain and emptiness i feel. I'll let myself miss what could have been (knowing that it really couldn't have). I'll move on. God let's the human heart move on.  I'm so thankful for my other ones too. This has reminded me that life is fragile, that my children are not my own.  Am I willing to give them over to Him? Maybe not as easily as I thought, actually. These last few weeks have rocked my world and they've been confusing and painful and joyful and real.  And they've done what God so graciously wants for His children.  My heart and mind are His. So, if I may, thank you my little one. I only know that He knew you before you were in my belly. And He used you in our lives for the few short weeks we had with you in our hearts. Love you, mom